


Light in the Dark

by justjunhoes



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Death, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, One Shot, Sad with a Happy Ending, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 09:14:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,414
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18753397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/justjunhoes/pseuds/justjunhoes
Summary: Junhoe can see the dead, can conjure the dead. He could conjure anyone, could talk to any dead ones anytime but still fails to conjure Jiwon.





	Light in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> alright maybe I love Umbrella Academy way too much (and obviously still not over it) especially Klaus Hargreeves, the best boy who deserves better. Watch Umbrella Academy on Netflix.

“HIS name was Jiwon…Kim Jiwon.”

Chanwoo pauses. “He must be very special for you…being able to put up with your shit.” He knew Junhoe was seeing someone but he was gone from Seoul for so long. He never got the chance to meet Jiwon.

Junhoe chuckles a bit. It feels empty. He sees dead people but Jiwon. He misses Jiwon so much but he still fails to conjure him. Why? Why is it so unfair?

“I’ve tried everything…but I couldn’t meet him. I’m tired.” Junhoe sighs. He rummages through his things. Found it.

“No. No. No! Stop it.” Chanwoo snatches the small packet from his weak hand. “Stop putting this shit in your body.”

“Ugh come on. I need it.” Junhoe whines. He ignores Chanwoo who looks like he is going to hit him as he searches for his stash of drugs.

“You said you want to be sober. You can do this.” Chanwoo looks at the pills. He quickly discarded them in the toilet bowl. “You…Koo Junhoe!”

Too late. Junhoe found another packet of drugs under his bed then shoved a few pills in his mouth before Chanwoo could stop him. He laughs mockingly at Chanwoo, like a child who gets better colour pencils set than his friend.

“Sober? What does sobriety bring for me? I still can’t see Jiwon.”

“So you are going to keep eating those pills instead of trying?”

“Alright. End of conversation. I’m tired. Bye. Go home, Chanwoo.” Junhoe crawls onto his bed again. “Go home.”

Chanwoo holds back his thoughts. He looks at Junhoe one last time before he leaves the room. He really wants to help Junhoe to stay sober but everyone knows Junhoe uses drugs to help him cope with the voices of the dead. There are other ways but Junhoe prefers it like this; being high so he could separate himself from reality.

Junhoe stares at the ceiling again.

“Jiwon…Jiwon please…please come here.”

 

 

_“I hope you all would use this detention to reflect your actions.” Mr Ji, the principal looks at each of the students in the class. Of course, he knows detention has no effect and the students show no signs of regrets. Kids._

_There are only six of them in the class. Four of them are friends, leaving only the two strangers to each other. Junhoe glances around for cameras. Nice. No cameras._

_“What are you doing?”_

_Junhoe looks at the owner of the voice. “Nothing.” He keeps the pills back to his pocket._

_Jiwon smiles. So this is Junhoe. “Just trying to have a conversation. Don’t worry. Not gonna report you anyway. I mind my own business.” He looks at Junhoe again. “I’m Jiwon.”_

_“Junhoe.” He shakes his hand with Jiwon._

_They have a meal together after their detention. As they wait for their food, they talk more about each other. Junhoe found out that Jiwon was just transferred to this school last month, which explains why he has never seen Jiwon before._

_“But how do you know me?”_

_“You are like…the first few names my classmates told me about. I guess you are pretty famous.”_

_Junhoe leans forward, taking a sip of his beer. “And…what exactly your classmates told you?”_

_“To stay away from you.”_

_“Oh.” Junhoe is not surprised with that. He is sure nobody in the school likes him except maybe his best friends, Donghyuk and Chanwoo. “So are you going to listen to them?”_

_“Well…I wouldn’t be here if I choose to listen to them, right?” Jiwon winks at him. “Oh look. Our food is here. Let’s eat.”_

_Junhoe couldn’t hide his smile. He feels happy though, Jiwon ignores what people said about him and still choose to befriend him. The happiness grows each time Junhoe sees Jiwon. No one has ever made him feel this way._

_Perhaps it was love at first sight. No matter how hard Junhoe denies, he couldn’t lie to Donghyuk when the latter guessed that he actually fell in love with Jiwon. Maybe he was showing it too much._

_“Yea…can I go a day without you talking about Jiwon?”_

_“You are no fun.”_

_“Why don’t you…confess?”_

_“No way! What if…he doesn’t like me? I can’t take rejections.” Junhoe folds his arms. Oh the thought of confessing to Jiwon, of course he had thought of that. He imagined that._

_“Hmmm right. Then I’d still have to listen to you talking about Jiwon. Ah I can’t win.”_

_Donghyuk definitely wants to win. Plus, ever since Junhoe is deeply in love with Jiwon, Donghyuk notices that Junhoe has been sober. He couldn’t be happier. He wants the best for Junhoe and clearly, the best came in the shape of human called Kim Jiwon._

_Since he is friends with Jiwon too because they work part time together, he would try to talk about Junhoe with Jiwon._

_“Junhoe? Hmmm…he is cute. Loud but cute. Softie…”_

_“And uhh…you two always hang out-”_

_“Wait. Are you jealous?” Jiwon cuts. “If you are then…I’m sorry. I didn’t know you two are together. You two do look close and uh…”_

_“No. No. Wait. Junhoe and me are not together.” Donghyuk laughs. “And I’m not jealous. I’m happy.”_

_Jiwon tries not to show how happy he is. All these while, he thought Junhoe is with Donghyuk and him entering their life is as if he is breaking them up. He is jumping inside, feeling relieved now that it is 100% confirmed Junhoe and Donghyuk are just best friends._

_“Uhhh you said you are happy…because?”_

_“Because Junhoe is happy. I mean…he always talks about you. He doesn’t to admit straight to my face but I KNOW he actually likes you.”_

_“Really? He…likes me? Junhoe…likes me?” Jiwon smiles wider. “So it is not one sided…” He whispers._

_“Yes. He likes you. No… he LOVES you and uhh…” Donghyuk leans closer. “Definitely not one sided.” He pats his shoulder._

_“You two stop chatting and get back to work.”_

_“Yes, ma’am!” Donghyuk immediately gets up. “Oh…go tell him that you love him. Please… otherwise I’d have to keep listening to him talking about you.”_

_“Wait. I just...wait. For real, HE TALKS ABOUT ME?”_

_Jiwon’s mood lighten up after knowing this. He finishes his shift happily and even buys some drinks. He also tells Donghyuk that he will confess which Donghyuk strongly agrees._

_Junhoe fidgets while waiting for Jiwon. The man said he has something important to tell and this makes Junhoe anxious. What if he’s leaving Korea? What if he has to marry his family’s choice? What if he is seeing someone? What if he is an alien?_

_“Junhoe!”_

_“Hi, Jiwon.”_

_“Hi.” Jiwon pauses to catch his breath. “Listen…I want to tell you something-”_

_“Important. Yes. I wonder what is so important that you cannot tell on the phone.” Junhoe laughs nervously. “Uhmm…what is it?”_

_“I love you…a lot.” Jiwon scratches his head. “This isn’t what I planned. I mean it’s true I love you but I planned to say something sweet first like how and when I fell in love…” He looks at Junhoe smiling at him blabbering._

_Junhoe puts his finger on his lips. “Shut up.” He pulls him for a kiss. “So you love me too?”_

_“Very much.” Jiwon caresses his cheek._

_“Then kiss me more.”_

_They kiss softly under the moon shines brightly above them accompanied by street lamps at the park. But it slowly becomes dark. Jiwon fades from his grip._

_“Jiwon…”_

_“Kim Jiwon…”_

_“JIWON!”_

 

 

Junhoe wakes up immediately from his dream. He almost forgets how to breathe that he is suffocating for a moment. Drenched in cold sweat and trembling to stay calm, he takes his cigarette on the table.

He inhales as deeply as he can, tasting the nicotine in his mouth then exhales slowly. He looks at the empty space next to him. He still sleeps at only one side of the bed as he imagines Jiwon could be sleeping next to him.

“I missed you…so much. Why can’t I conjure you?” He sobs.

He then hears doorbell. Must be Chanwoo or Donghyuk.

“I brought breakfast. Home cooked.” Chanwoo arranges the tupperware properly on the table.

“I bought water. Mineral water.” Donghyuk almost glares at Junhoe but he pities the man so he soften his gazes. “No more booze yet. Eat.”

“This is nice but I don’t feel like eating…” Junhoe sees how serious his friends look now. “I guess I could eat a bit.”

He is lucky he has the best friends who never leave his side. They are always checking on him, visited him almost everyday when he was in rehab, and like this, bringing him some home cooked meal. Mother’s cooking. He misses it the most.

He knows his mother is disappointed to see him like this. He watched his mother cried when he conjured her. He tries to be better but sobriety is too much for him. The voices, the dead people screaming at him makes him prefer to stay this way.

Being high instead of stepping into reality sounds like the best way.

Donghyuk and Chanwoo say nothing whilst Junhoe eats. Obviously, the man hasn’t been eating proper meals for days already. Junhoe almost chokes for shoving too much at one time. Part of them crushes seeing Junhoe like this.

“Thanks for the meal.”

Junhoe sounds energetic now, making them smile.

“Why don’t you take a shower first then we go out.” Donghyuk looks at him.

“Go where?”

“Anywhere.” Chanwoo smiles.

“Anywhere…”

Chanwoo parks the car. “Are you sure you want to come here?”

“Yes.” Junhoe puts his liquor bottle on the car seat. He wipes his face and eyes before he steps out of the car.

Donghyuk walks side by side with Chanwoo as they watch Junhoe. “He has been trying to conjure Jiwon hyung but he hasn’t able to yet.”

“It sucks seeing him like that. Not being able to conjure the man he loves…” Chanwoo looks at Junhoe again. “No. No. That’s the tree.”

Junhoe is clearly drunk after he manages to sneak in his liquor which the two of them noticed but they let him off. Sure, maybe they look like “let’s kill our best friend” but they are trying their best not to hurt Junhoe.

Junhoe just laughs, showing ‘okay’ hand sign. He looks at each tombstone as he searches for Jiwon’s.

“There you are…” Junhoe marches quickly that he almost tumbles to the ground. “Hi. Hi. I missed you silly.” He wipes the tombstone. “Sorry. It’s been so long since I visited you.” He sits on the ground.

 

 

_“When I die, you are going to miss me.”_

_“Oh Jiwon. You are playing the dead card again.” Junhoe clings on him. “Don’t be so grumpy. Do you really want to die first? You want to leave me alone? Do you even love me?”_

_Jiwon cups his chin, planting a soft kiss on his forehead. “I’m trying to sound like a typical Asian parent.” He chuckles. “I don’t want to leave you alone. Never.” He kisses his nose. “I love you, Junhoe…” He kisses his lips._

_Junhoe melts in his arms. He snuggles closer under the comforter. “Jiwon…I’m so grateful to have you in my life.”_

_“Really?” Jiwon turns his attention to the younger man. “Tell me why.”_

_“You make me happy…you make me forget that I’ve been struggling to live like human. You give me so much love, more than I asked for.” Junhoe smiles. “I can breathe when you are next to me. Calmly.”_

_“Babe…” Jiwon brings his hand to his lips. “I’m glad I could help. You can do this. We can do this…together. I love you and I don’t want my loved one, my precious boy here…” He kisses each fingers. “To suffer. Enough already right?”_

_Junhoe nods. “That’s why I’m so glad to have you. Look. I’ve been clean.” He chuckles. “Please don’t leave me.”_

_“I won’t leave you. No no. Hmmm let’s see…” Jiwon looks at their fingers intertwined. “We have been together since high school…went to different uni and are still together…Crazy right? He chuckles._

_“It is…” Junhoe counts the years they have been dating. “Wow…that long? You won’t leave me. Definitely._

_“Yeah…I won’t.”_

 

 

“You lied. You left me.” Junhoe sighs. “Yes…the stupid, reckless driver…was sentenced to jail and for what? I don’t care. You are not with me…I can’t even conjure you.”

He looks at the tombstone.

“Come on, Kim Jiwon. Stop playing hide and seek. Come. I want to see you again.”

He continues wiping the tombstone, touching the engraved “Kim Jiwon” on it while he imagines he is touching Jiwon. He cries again until a voice greets him.

“Uh hello.”

“Hello. I’m Soojung.”

“I can see you but not my loved one…” Junhoe whispers under his breath. “How long have you been standing there?”

“For a while.” Soojung moves closer. “You are not terrified looking at me.”

Indeed, Soojung has a chain wrapped around her neck, wound slashes all over her body with burn scars. But Soojung’s condition is not so bad compared to other lingering souls he had met before.

“You can tell that you are not the first one I’ve seen.” Junhoe forces a smile. He sighs again.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. The family over there look freaked out. They probably think I’m talking to myself.” He giggles. “Opps. I freak them out again.”

“Well…okay. That’s fair enough.” Soojung laughs with him. “Oh. My family members are here.”

It is a normal sight for Junhoe when the deceased is looking at the family members. He knows. He understands. The deceased too wants to hug the family because couldn’t.

He fishes out a small packet from his pocket. Standing at the cemetery is not a wise choice but he misses Jiwon so much. Still, he could not handle the voices of the deceased around him.

“Come to me baby…” He kisses the packet after he swallows a pill or two.

“Junhoe…” Chanwoo shakes his head. “We really need to make sure he has none of those pills hidden anywhere.”

“You know very well we can’t. Junhoe is sneaky.” Donghyuk jogs towards Junhoe, watching him curl on the grass next to the tombstone. “Come Junhoe. Let’s go home.”

“Okay…”

Surprisingly Junhoe did not argue or whine. Chanwoo and Donghyuk help him to walk towards their car. They listen to him talking about Jiwon again.

“Look! It’s raining. Jiwon loves rain…”

 

 

_“Kim Jiwon. Come inside! It’s raining.”_

_“No! It’s fun time!” Jiwon runs around the field outside the house they rented. He loves the rain no matter how he knows he could get sick._

_“Alright. That does look kinda fun.” Junhoe talks to himself._

_“Babe. Come here.” Jiwon runs back to their house. “Come. Let’s play under the rain.” He pulls Junhoe’s hand._

_“Wait! Jiwon!”_

_It really is fun soaking themselves under the heavy rain. How many times Jiwon slips and falls on his butt first because he keeps running. Junhoe slides on the field while Jiwon attempts to take photo of him but the latter complains he couldn’t see anything._

_They decided to find shade under the huge tree at the field. Since it is just pouring from the sky and no dangerous lightning, sitting under the tree is alright._

_“We should just cross the road. Our place is there.”_

_“Yea…maybe we should.” Jiwon almost dozes off pillowed with Junhoe’s thighs, enjoying the soft stroke on his hair._

_“And take a hot shower before we get sick.”_

_“Ya…that or maybe…we should keep ourselves warm without showering.” Jiwon touches his lips. “You know?”_

_“I know?” Junhoe sucks his fingers._

_“Oh yes you know. You know damn well…” Jiwon shoves another finger._

_Junhoe giggles but he keeps sucking. “I want more than this.”_

_And Junhoe gets more than just fingers sticking in his mouth. He gasps as Jiwon drills his hole with his fingers. Jiwon pins him to the couch, leaving some kisses and bites while he works on Junhoe’s hole._

_“Don’t hold back. Moan for me…”_

_Jiwon wets his nipple with his tongue, encircling the hard nipple while the younger man squirms underneath him begging for more. He sucks the other one._

_“Can’t let your nipple get jealous…” He sucks harder._

_Junhoe clenches his muscle, gripping Jiwon’s fingers rubbing the insides of him. His hard dick is crying for attention now that his precum leaks._

_“Ji…won…”_

_“Yes baby…I know.” He pulls his fingers out. “Damn. Love it when you clench your ass.” He rubs the slit. “Who allows you to precum?”_

_“Uhh I…can…not…” Junhoe shuts his eyes as he feels his dick rubbed in Jiwon’s hand. “Please…”_

_All Junhoe could hear now is his own moan. He watches his dick disappears into Jiwon’s mouth. It feels so good when Jiwon blows him. Jiwon does it slow at first, just to tease him towards the edge. He moans louder when Jiwon cups and squeezes his balls while sucking his length up and down._

_“Look at me babe…look at me while I’m sucking your dick.”_

_“Ah…I…Ji…won…” Junhoe knows there’s no point trying to talk. He looks into Jiwon’s eyes while his dick is buried deep in his mouth._

_“You are beautiful.”_

_Junhoe laughs. What a sight. Jiwon rubbing his dick as their fingers and gazes locked with how Jiwon suddenly drops compliment bomb, making him laugh._

_“Are we having a moment now?”_

_“Yes…a sexy moment.” Jiwon chuckles. “Turn around.” He takes his time to admire Junhoe’s ass. “God. You are beautiful.” He gives soft kisses on his butt, sucking the skin while he jerks on his dick._

_“Stop talking and put it in already.” Junhoe glances at him._

_“Hmmm…someone is impatient.” Jiwon rubs the tip against his hole and the younger shivers at that sensation._

_The room now fills with their moans and curses. Jiwon pounds Junhoe’s greedy hole and the younger is breathless, only able to moan and scream for more. Junhoe buries his face on his pillow, arching his back as he takes in every inch of his dick._

_His stomach clenches with the tension is building up. He grits his teeth, watching his dick being rub against Jiwon’s palm. He glances at him, begging to come._

_“Go ahead. Release…every drop…” Jiwon then turns him around so he could lay on his back. He wastes no time. He dives closer, sucking the whole length before Junhoe comes._

_“Fuck Jiwon! Fuck!” Junhoe inhales sharply to catch his breath. He looks at Jiwon whose mouth and lips are smeared with his seeds. “You love…it…”_

_“Very much.” Jiwon gives a quick kiss on his lips before resting his head on his stomach. “I love you…”_

_“I love you too…”_

 

 

Junhoe cries himself to sleep again. He forgot where he put his headphone again. Must have misplaced it. Sleeping without his headphone is always difficult especially with the voices of the dead screaming his name. So he eventually cried, cried while imagining Jiwon’s arms around him and comforting him.

Like old times.

Jiwon was quick to pick up. He found out that Junhoe could see the dead and could conjure the dead. No wonder Junhoe seemed to be speaking to himself sometimes because he was actually speaking to the dead. Kinda explains how Junhoe could excel quizzes he did not study.

Jiwon was everything Junhoe needed. He was not just his boyfriend, he was his friend, his companion, his shoulder to cry on, his escape for when he was living in fear.

Jiwon learnt about his fear. He helped him to achieve sobriety and helped him to cope with his fear. Or maybe he had become dependent on Jiwon too much that when Jiwon passed on, his world ended. Everything was dark. The voices are back.

So Junhoe went back to how he was.

Resorting to drugs and alcohol.

 

 

“Why are you doing this? Stop. Stop it. Stop it!” Chanwoo pins Junhoe against the wall, holding his chin tight.

“Oh Chanwoo…you really gonna use your strength on me?” Junhoe smiles weakly. He suddenly break down to tears. “I’ve lost somebody.”

“Well…I understand…but you can’t keep doing this.”

“Give me 10 good reasons.” Junhoe laughs. “I know you can’t. Leave me alone, Chanwoo.”

Chanwoo slowly loosens his grip. He watches Junhoe drops to his knees, crawling to find his stash of drugs hidden somewhere only he knows.

“You can’t keep destroying yourself like this. Imagine how upset that someone would be…seeing you like this.”

“Upset…hmmm…my mom was upset.” Junhoe keeps quiet for a moment. He swallows about three pills. Finally. “But…whatever. I have no one. It doesn’t matter.”

“You have me. I’m your friend, Junhoe.” Chanwoo approaches him, helping him to stand on his feet again.

“I know…but it doesn’t feel the same…” Junhoe gives a bitter smile. “Thanks for stopping by…”

“Sure.” Chanwoo pats his shoulder. “Uh do you want to eat anything? Let me buy you dinner.”

Junhoe nods. It becomes dark again. The next thing he knows, he hears Chanwoo’s shaky voice and an unfamiliar voice in a moving vehicle. Oh. The usual trip to hospital. Again.

And back to rehab centre.

“Welcome back, Junhoe.”

Junhoe smiles at the attendant, Jinhwan. He knows almost everyone at the rehab centre including the janitor. People come and go. He also sees the familiar faces. Maybe he feels happy.

Happy. But what is happiness? Seeing familiar faces at the rehab centre?

 

 

“What is happiness? Tell me…”

Sujin, a friendly dead girl who died in this very own apartment building due to her husband’s debt and gambling problem, thinks the meaning of happiness. She sits at the corner while Junhoe is pacing in the living room, fidgeting.

“Ah I see you don’t have any drugs left.”

“No. What…what are you saying?” Junhoe peeks into the vase. No drugs. Not even a tiny pill.

“Try eating healthy breakfast.”

“Can’t smoke cereal or oatmeal.” Junhoe then decides to roll his joint. At least something. “Now…this is healthy breakfast.” He pours whiskey into the glass.

“Very healthy.” Sujin scoffs. She looks around the living room. Neat and tidy, because Junhoe’s friends cleaned up for him yesterday. A photo frame catches her attention. It must have been buried under the pile of dirty clothes before this. “Who is the handsome man?”

“Me. Koo Junhoe.” He laughs but he sees Sujin pointing at a photo frame of him with Jiwon. “Hi…Jiwon…” He touches the photo. “I thought I lost this photo…”

“He must be your special someone.”

“Yes, Sujin…he was my man. The only person who I truly loved more than myself. He was so strong…so beautiful…” Junhoe sniffs. He puts his cigarette aside. “This…was taken…when he met my mom.”

 

 

_“I told you to put something nice.”_

_“What? This is not nice?” Jiwon checks himself out at the mirror. “I think it’s nice.”_

_“I’m not telling you to wear suit but really, Jiwon…a hoodie?”_

_“Hey. You are always wearing black. I can’t take fashion advise from you.” Jiwon teases. He takes his hoodie off. “Then what should I wear, sweetheart?” He hugs Junhoe from the back after seeing his sulky face._

_“Anything but hoodie. Hmmm my mom…I don’t know how would her first impression be like. So I thought maybe we should start from clothes.” Junhoe glances at him._

_“Alright babe. Kiss. Kiss.” He gives a peck on his lips._

_The dinner with Junhoe’s mom was awkward at the beginning. Probably because of the disapproval look on her face. But as the minute goes by, she finally smiles. Jiwon almost gives up._

_“You are sort of…overly dressed. You could have just worn hoodie. I’m alright with that. Did Junhoe tell you to dress nicely?” She looks at them._

_“See.” Jiwon elbows Junhoe gently. “Your mom is chill.” He chuckles. “Yes. He told me to dress nicely so ya…this leather jacket.”_

_“Junhoe.”_

_“Mom.” Junhoe whines._

_“Alright. Come. Let me take a photo of you two.” She takes her phone. “1,2,3. Smile!”_

 

 

“My mom loved him too. She said she would trade me for Jiwon.” Junhoe chuckles. “But why did they have to go before me…so quick?” He lets his tears drop. “Why…”

Sujin feels bad seeing him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…please don’t cry, Junhoe. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay Sujin. I always cry when I think of him.” He wipes his tears.

“What do you usually do when you miss him?”

Junhoe looks at her. A good question. What he usually does? He then looks at his cigarette and bottles of liquor on the cabinet. Yes, he is poisoning himself.

“I think I want to go for a walk in the park…and get a proper breakfast.” He looks at her.

“That sounds like a nice plan, Junhoe.”

Junhoe puts some nice bath bombs that Donghyuk bought for him last week. He decides to take a long, soothing hot bath in the tub. Putting on his headphone, he leans against the tub as he allows his favourite songs accompany him.

The song shuffles to the next song on the playlist. He smiles. He feels at ease. It is his song with Jiwon. He remembers singing it with him. Such happy times.

He shuts his eyes for a moment.

“Junhoe…”

“Jiwon…is that you…wait. Where did you go…come back…”

Junhoe whimpers. He moves his hands trying to catch Jiwon but the man disappears. He opens his eyes again. No Jiwon.

He puts his best clothes. Thanks to his friends, all his clothes are clean now. He hides his long hair under the cap. He really needs haircut. He looks at himself in the mirror. His cheeks that Jiwon loved biting and sucking look thin now.

He takes a walk at a park nearby, inhaling fresh air instead of cigarette. He watches kids playing with their peers or their parents, couples, uncles selling ice-cream or hot potato, and birds flying above him. He smiles watching them. Can’t remember the last time something small could make him smile.

 

 

_“Happy whatever day!” Jiwon announces._

_“Happy…whatever day? What?”_

_Jiwon chuckles. “Nahhh. Nothing except that I bought pizzas with coupon.”_

_“Hmmm pizza!” Junhoe chews a slice. “Uhhh my God. This is so good.”_

_Jiwon stares at him for a second. “You look so cute now.”_

_“Huh? Now? While eating? Are you sure?”_

_“Well…you look cute. Always.” Jiwon smiles. “But…I don’t know. I love how happy you are now. Eating your fifth pizza slice and ignoring the sauce and cheese on your face.” He chuckles. He wipes Junhoe’s cheek gently. The younger man just grins._

_“Hmmm…I guess small things like this makes me happy. Eating pizza…with my loved one right here.” Junhoe gives a quick kiss on Jiwon’s lips. “I don’t…remember being this happy over little things.”_

_“I’m glad I could be part of this happy moment. I want you to always be happy, alright?” Jiwon looks into his eyes._

_“Alright. Thanks, Jiwon. Really.”_

_“Don’t mention it babe.” Jiwon presses his forehead against Junhoe’s shoulder. “I love you and promise to make you happy. Always…”_

 

 

Junhoe wipes his tears. His memories with Jiwon are still fresh in his head. Jiwon did make him happy but why his happiness is taken away from him so quickly? Why? Does God hate him?

He chuckles a bit. If Jiwon is here and hears his thought, Jiwon would lecture him. He remembers how much of a church boy Jiwon is. A total opposite from him. While he avoids church, Jiwon visited the place often. He went there though but only when Jiwon dragged him.

He looks at the clear sky.

“Why? Why him? Why it has to be Jiwon?”

He then hears thunder.

“Alright. I guess God is mad at me…” He chuckles. “But really…why it has to be Jiwon? MY Jiwon…my mom…I’m left alone.”

“Are you questioning God?”

Junhoe gasps loudly. Good thing nobody cares. He looks at the person. Oh. A dead soul. Seriously. Not Jiwon but some stranger.

“Yes. I am…I am actually.”

“Why?”

“Well…He took my loved ones.”

“Eventually they would be taken away too.”

“Ya. I know but…too soon? I was not ready.”

“No one is ever ready. Do you think everyone who had died early…is always ready?”

Junhoe looks at the man again. “I…don’t think…ya. No one is ready.” He pauses. “Including you, huh…”

The man nods. “I’m Kiyoung.”

“Junhoe.” He almost reaches his hand to shake Kiyoung’s. “I forgot.”

“If you don’t mind…may I know what happened to your Jiwon?”

“Hmmm…” Junhoe sighs. “Reckless driver. Drunk. The driver fled the scene but did not go far thanks to the witnesses. It was supposed to be a celebration dinner. Jiwon was promoted.” He smiles. “Then uhhh…the accident. I kept waiting at the restaurant. I swear I was planning to get angry with him.” He laughs a bit. “And then…I got a call from the hospital instead and…when I got there…”

“I’m sorry.” Kiyoung feels apologetic but Junhoe smiles at him. “It must have been hard.”

“Ya…I fought for Jiwon. The driver was sentenced to jail but…I become unhappy. He went to jail but my Jiwon…my Jiwon is gone.”

“And you haven’t seen him like how you see me now?”

Junhoe shakes his head. “I keep trying but…I don’t know why it is hard. I’m trying to keep myself sober for real now. Maybe Jiwon himself doesn’t want to see me like this.” He lets out a dry laugh.

Kiyoung looks at him. “I’m sure you miss him lots…miss him so much. So…stay strong, Junhoe. You can do this. Don’t lose to temptation. Otherwise…you would live with regrets…for not able to see your Jiwon when you got the gift.”

Junhoe keeps quiet for a moment. Kiyoung has a point. He has the gift yet he sees everyone but Jiwon? For him to say that he loves Jiwon more than himself, he certainly hasn’t proved it.

“Thanks…err…” He looks around but Kiyoung has disappeared. He smiles, grateful to meeting Kiyoung.

He then buys some food and finally gets his haircut. He keeps thinking about what Kiyoung said to him.

“Sober up, Junhoe…for yourself and for Jiwon. You can fight this.”

He knows Donghyuk and Chanwoo got rid of all the hidden stashes of drugs when they cleaned his house. He can’t be mad at them. They care and love him. He feels sorry for them because he is like a helpless child who needs the care of other adults, as if they are not busy with their lives.

“You can do this…”

 

♪As the spring wind blows  
The scattering cherry blossom petals  
Spread out on this street  
As we walk together♪

 

Junhoe lights up the scented candles. He found a new hobby; collecting scented candles. These candles somehow make him calm in his process to achieve sobriety.

He marks the calender.

It’s been 2 months.

Still no Jiwon in sight.

But he stays strong and keeps himself sober. It would be worth it.

Junhoe sits on the couch, writing poems. He started to write again whilst trying to be sober. He puts a photo frame of Jiwon on the table so he could look at it and at the same time, hope he could conjure him.

He keeps writing his poem, accompanied by his and Jiwon’s favourite song. The sound of wind chime suddenly sounds eerie. He puts his pen and notebook aside.

“Hello…who…” Junhoe quickly gets up. “Who…is anybody…” He becomes speechless. He rubs his eyes and pinches himself. “No way…no…freaking way. I did it…Jiwon!”

“Yes. You did it babe.” Jiwon approaches him. Oh how he wishes he could hug Junhoe tightly. “I’m here.”

“Yes. Yes. You are here. Jiwon…you…” Junhoe sobs. Jiwon appears wearing the white turtleneck and black coat, the one he was wearing for their celebration dinner on the day of the accident.

“Do you miss me?”

“Everyday, Jiwon. Everyday.” Junhoe chokes trying to speak while he sobs. He wipes his tears but it seems like he couldn’t stop crying.

“Baby…please stop crying.” Jiwon leans closer. It breaks his heart because he couldn’t comfort Junhoe in his arms. “You gonna make me cry too like this.”

Junhoe chuckles. He takes a deep breath. “Finally. It really is worth it.” He looks into Jiwon’s eyes. “Although it sucks…I can’t hug you and kiss you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No. No. It’s okay.” Junhoe smiles. “Maybe I could try…” He reaches for Jiwon’s hand but as expected, his hand just moves through his hand. His heart aches.

“I hope one day we could be given chance…for me to able hold you…kiss you…wipe your tears.” Jiwon looks into his eyes. “Babe…”

“Jiwon…” Junhoe smiles a bit. “Ah. I’m gonna tell Donghyuk and Chanwoo about this. They would be so happy and proud…I’m happy and proud too…of myself.”

“It has been rough, right? You work hard. You stay strong.”

Junhoe nods. “There are many times that I wanted to give up. Believe me. I thought of giving up and end my misery, end everything. I thought about swallowing every pills on earth. I couldn’t find the purpose of living.”

Jiwon nods. He listens to the younger man. “I’m proud of you. God. It is hard for you. I promised to be there with you forever but my forever was cut short. Unfortunately.” He sighs.

“Jiwon…hey…you are always here. In my heart.” Junhoe touches his chest. “You are always in my mind too. You are the reason…you may not physically be here but…because of you, I did not give up.” He wipes his tears. “Also I met a friendly dead soul. He made me realize something.”

“And what is that?”

“Regrets.” Junhoe smiles. “I realize…I don’t want to live with regret. I got the gift, the ability to conjure the dead but…if I’m not strong, I wouldn’t be here now. To see you.”

Jiwon really wants to hug and kiss Junhoe now. He really wants to, badly. He is so proud. Junhoe finds strength, some light in the darkness living alone in this world. He looks at his loved one.

“Baby…” He reaches out to touch Junhoe’s cheek although he knows it is impossible. “I’m so…so proud of you. You are indeed stronger than you think you are. I always know you can do this.”

“You’ve always believed in me. I love you so much, Jiwon.”

“I love you too.” Jiwon leans closer. “I love you.” He tries to kiss Junhoe’s forehead. Odd. It feels real.

“Jiwon…” Junhoe looks at him. “I can feel your lips.”

“You can? You can? Because I felt your forehead.”

The two of them cry and laugh together, confused on how it happened and wondering if that could happen again. They calm themselves after that so they try again. And again. And again. Until Junhoe falls asleep on the couch. Jiwon sings lullaby as he watches Junhoe sleeps.

“Good night, my love.”

 

Junhoe wakes up feeling better than ever. Sobriety makes him hard to sleep most of the time because of the screams and voices of the dead but last night, he had a wonderful dream. It’s the first time.

Maybe because of Jiwon.

“Good morning, babe.”

“Jiwon!” Junhoe blows kisses for the man. They both chuckle when Jiwon catches his kisses. “You are here.”

“I’m not leaving.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” Jiwon sits next to him. “Let’s figure out how it happened…then imagine all the kisses and hugs I could give you.”

Junhoe stares at the man he loves. “Hmmm yes. You owe me. LOTS.” He keeps quiet for a second. “Really Jiwon? You won’t leave me?”

Jiwon nods repeatedly. “I’m gonna stay here…accompany you and watch over you. I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Jiwon is there always, like he promised. He stays for Junhoe. He also gets to see Donghyuk again although the man could not see him, like Chanwoo. He expresses his gratitude towards the two of them for being there for Junhoe.

“Junhoe is the pain in the ass.” Donghyuk looks at the empty spot where Jiwon is supposedly sitting.

“Hey!”

Chanwoo laughs. “But he is our pain in the ass. We care for him.”

“Thank you. I wish I could repay you.” Junhoe glances at Jiwon. “That is what he said to you guys.” He pouts. “And Jiwon agrees…I am the pain in the ass. Ugh Jiwon. Seriously?”

Jiwon teases him again. Then they spend the rest of the evening telling Jiwon everything from the time of his death until recently. Jiwon is touched although he is hurt seeing the man he loves has been suffering. He feels grateful because at least, Junhoe has two angels watching him.

“Junhoe…you talk so much. Good to see nothing has changed.” Jiwon pats his head.

“Jiwon, don’t touch my head. I’m not a child.”

“What?” Donghyuk and Chanwoo exclaim at the same time. “Junhoe…”

Junhoe gasps. “Jiwon. How did you…”

“I…I don’t know…” Jiwon tries again. “Uhh I can’t anymore.”

Junhoe pouts but he smiles again. The excitement in him because he could feel Jiwon’s hand earlier makes him more determined to figure out how he could touch Jiwon too even if for a few seconds.

“That could really happen?” Chanwoo is excited. “Well…wow. That is amazing, right?”

“Yes, it is.” Junhoe looks at Jiwon. “We should try again.”

“Definitely. I mean hey…I should be able to at least kiss you while I’m here.” Jiwon laughs happily.

“Is that all you can think of?” Junhoe pretends to get annoyed. He continues bickering with Jiwon while Donghyuk and Chanwoo watch them, or him since they cannot see Jiwon.

Junhoe feels at ease. Being sober and clean really pay off. He is happy. He gets to conjure Jiwon, the man he loves more than himself. Sure, they cannot physically touch but what matters is Jiwon is here with him.

After all, Jiwon is his light in the dark.


End file.
